


Love to hate me

by Prettypzrn



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lesbian Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:48:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29927454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prettypzrn/pseuds/Prettypzrn
Summary: @itzymidzy231: she contributes nothing to the group kick her out!!!@kpopper420: Look at her thighs... they're like logs...@jypfan666: waste of a beautiful face :/❥        ❥         ❥In which Lia from Itzy loves being an idol but certain comments result in the deterioration of her health, and yeji notices.Major TW: eating disorder(s), suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression.
Relationships: Choi Jisu | Lia/Hwang Yeji
Kudos: 4





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys I posted this originally on Wattpad but thought why not put it here too so here it is lol hi, please know I mean no harm and this is all fictional and triggering this is your warning

♥︎

“And the award goes to….. ITZY for DALLA DALLA!!!”

Yeji looked at her friends shocked, they had just debuted and already had won an award! They smiled widely as they made their way up to the stage, the host handing the trophy to the leader. They thanked their fans and asked them for their continuous support then left the stage still smiling like idiots making their way backstage.

Chaeryeong was the first to speak up, “ARE YOU KIDDING GUYS WE FREAKING WON!!” “I can’t believe it!” Ryujin responded followed by similar shouts of victory from the rest of the girls. Everyone was smiling and laughing, continuously hugging each other. Yeji turned to see if Lia was laughing as well, her cheeks turning light pink when she saw that she was and hugged yeji tight.

Yeji sighed in satisfaction, “I’m so proud of us,” she said with a smile of adoration plastered on her face, “let’s go home and get some rest.”

♥︎

Once they had arrived at their dorm everyone went straight to bed exhausted from the day, except for Lia. She lay on her bed opening several kpop forum apps to read feedback on their debut. This had become a nighttime ritual for Lia, reading the things people say online about itzy.

She had started doing it to see what the fans had to say and liked about the group, but after a few weeks she had started to notice more and more comments about her. Negative ones, hateful ones even. One comment made her stop scrolling, it had said that she didn’t fit into the group saying that her larger size didn’t fit in with her other members.

Lia’s brows furrowed, was she really that big? She ate healthily and worked out every day, she couldn’t be that bad. But then she saw a photo attached to the comment, a photo of them just before debut standing side to side, and Lia started to notice what the anonymous person behind the screen was noticing. Her thighs were slightly larger than her member’s thighs, even her arms and face looked pudgier.

She got up with glassy eyes and made her way to the mirror in her cramped dorm room, eyeing her own body as she began to poke and pull at the skin around her body. Noticing how it stretched and hung from her muscles, realizing that what comments she had been seeing online were true. She was in fact the fattest member, shame-filled her head as she cried silently in the mirror, digging her nails into her ‘fat’.

Lia was already insecure and this just pushed her over the edge, she wanted to be skinny like her members, she wanted to be someone they could be proud of and she wanted to fit in with them. She decided that from today on she would try her best to lose the weight, for herself and for itzy.

♥︎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! First chap hope u like 😽


	2. 2

Lia’s thoughts will be in bold

♥︎

It was currently evening and the girls were finishing up their practice for the day, collecting their things and making their way to the exit of the jyp building. Yeji, being the Lia stan she is noticed her crush (don’t tell anyone tho) wasn’t packing up.

“Hey Lia you gonna come with us?” She asked hoping that the other girl would so they could walk home together and maybe just maybe brush hands on the way there, a girl can dream alright. But to yeji’s disappointment, Lia responded contrary to her plans, “I’m gonna stay a bit longer and practice the choreography a bit more you guys go on ahead.” She smiled back at them and went to plug her phone into the aux to play their new song.

Yeji frowned slightly, “okay, don’t overwork yourself please, and come back safely.” Lia smiled back at her and started the choreo once again waiting for her members to leave the dance studio, when she heard the click of the door she stopped dancing immediately.

**Fucking finally…**   
**It’s not that I don’t want to be with my members but I’d rather struggle to do this hard ass choreo alone and not embarrass myself…**

Lia sighed as her eyes found their way to the mirror, observing her body again. Yet she looked  
Away soon after in fear of chains another crying session. It had been a few weeks since Lia decided she would work extra hard to look good to fit in with her team, so far she had lost a few pounds from restricting her diet but nothing near what she wanted. So, she decided to increase the intensity of her actions: fasting when she could and working out longer than her members, ending up going home later as well.

Lia could tell yeji was suspicious, or maybe she just didn’t want Lia to overwork herself and accidentally fuck up the group dynamic but whatever.

**It doesn’t matter, nothing matters.**

**I just want to be skinny**

Lia let out yet another sigh, deciding to practice for another hour and a half even though she felt like her legs were on fire.

**If it burns it means your burning the fat off**

  
**Don’t be a baby**

♥︎

When Lia had made it back to the dorms it seemed as though everyone was asleep, lights dim and quiet. She made her way to the kitchen in search of water parched from her excessive exercise. She chugged a glass of water only to hear her stomach rumble like an earthquake due to her fasting that had been dragged out three days.

**Maybe I should have a snack**

  
**I haven’t eaten so it should be fine**

  
**It’s ok I’ll just have a little**

She grabbed the half-eaten kimbap from the fridge and quickly gilded it down, so fast she was still standing by the fridge with the door open. Feeling instant regret Lia threw away the packaging her snack was in and locked herself in her room, letting herself lean and slide down her door until she was in a ball fighting a breakdown.

**Stupid dumb fucking bitch**

  
**You were doing so good why did you do that**

  
**Stupid. Dumb. Pig.**

  
**I hate you**

Lia got up and looked at herself in the bathroom mirror, wiping her tears with self-hatred and anger.

**Dumb bitch**

She just looked at herself for a few minutes, wallowing in her own shame and anger. Then decided to do something she had never done, reverse her mistake. She shakily made her way to her toilet, bending over the bowl and mentally preparing for what she was about to do.

**Fuck it**

She slowly placed two of her fingers into her mouth, pushing them to her throat until she felt herself gag and her eyes water until her body finally obeyed and she had thrown up a disgusting array of colors coated in her thick saliva. To her surprise her throat only burned slightly although her eyes were teary, so she continued. She kept going until she heard a knock on her door and the call of her name, “Lia? Are you back? Can I come in please?” It was yeji.

**Fuck fuck shit shit**

Quickly she flushed the toilet, washed her hands, and sea she’d her mouth with a bit of mint wash. “Lia?” The other asked again from across the door, “I’m coming hold on” Lia replied trying not to sound suspicious, opening the door to a half-asleep yeji in fuzzy pajamas. “What’s up?” She said trying to sound as okay as possible and not like she was just puking her guts out. “I wanted to talk to you about the choreography” she replied, “I just wanted to offer my help, I am one of the main dancers you know I can stay back and help you, I don’t want you staying back so late by yourself it’s dangerous,” she said with a smile even though it sounded like she was scolding her.

**Thank Jesus she doesn’t know**

“Thank you unnie” Lia smiled back, “I’ll let you know if I need any help, go to sleep you look like a zombie” she chuckled at the drowsy leader who in return stuck out her arms and wobbled like a zombie. “Okay human goodnight,” she said, “goodnight unnie.” Lia returned into her room and closed the door sighing.

**Well that was close**

Yeji on the other hand felt more awake, seeing her crushes smile making her weak in the knees. She had offered her help really as an excuse to spend more time with Lia even though they literally lived together, but she was also a bit worried. Yeji didn’t want Lia to stay behind by herself that was true, and a girl as beautiful as her shouldn’t feel the need to overcompensate and tire herself out. Yeji climbed into her bed turning off her light and closed her eyes, drifting to sleep while thinking about her bedtime scenarios of romantic scenes starring her crush and herself.

♥︎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch2! Hope y’all like sorry it’s kinda triggering but we expected that


	3. 3

Yeji’s thoughts will be in italics

  
  


♥︎

  
  


The following week after practice the girls agreed to get dinner together as a treat for their hard work, insisting Lia should come after she said she didn’t know. Yuna gave her puppy eyes so of course, she couldn’t say no. 

Lia had been dreading the dinner all day, worried that someone might make her eat something she didn’t want to or think something was wrong. (Which of course was true but we don’t need to discuss that matter further)

**It’s fine, you're fine.**

**Just say your stomach hurts or something**

**I need to look nice**

  
  
  


**♥︎**

  
  


“Hey you ready?” Yeji said, popping her head into the doorway of Lia’s room, “almost, can you help me pick a lip color?” Yeji walked in and Lia handed her the small pouch with colorful tubes ranging from peach to burgundy. Yeji thought the peach would look so sex- I mean pretty on Lia, so she took it out and handed it to her smiling. “Can you put it in me? I’m kinda bad at makeup” Lia asked her giggling, “s-sure” Yeji responded trying to conceal her gay panic. She got closer to her and began to stroke the product into her crushes soft lips coloring them. 

  
  


_ God what did I do to deserve this  _

_ I want to kiss her _

_ No no! Stop that! _

Yeji blushed and closed the tube smiling, “done!” “Thanks unnie,” Lia replied, Yeji swore her heart did a backflip. “Ok let’s get the others and go.”

  
  


♥︎

  
  


“Lia what do you want to eat?” Ryujin asked, Lia had been staring at the menu for at least ten minutes, baffled by the lack of low-calorie options at the restaurant they were at. “Uhmmmm I’ll just have the garden salad” she decided out loud. “Unnie get whatever you want it’s our treat day we eat salads like every day” Ryujin responded. Lia tried not to show her uneasiness to her members, “ok then I guess I’ll just get the roasted chicken.” Ryujin smiled and nodded, ordering for the table. 

  
  


**Not the best but at least it’s semi-healthy**

  
  


**♥︎**

  
  


Yeji noticed Lia was picking at her food, staring at it unhappily and only taking small bites. Yes ok she only noticed because yes she was staring at her crush but that’s besides the point. She wanted to ask her if she was ok but texted her instead, deciding to not call her out in front of the others. 

**_Yeji_ ** **:** u ok? Is the chicken bad? 

Lia checked her phone after feeling it buzz in her pocket giving Yeji a quick glance before typing in her device. 

**_Lia_ ** **:** it’s fine, my stomach just hurts a bit. 

**_Yeji_ ** **:** wanna go to the infirmary?

**_Lia_ ** **:** no it’s ok, do u wanna go on a walk though I’m feeling kinda claustrophobic..

**_Yeji_ ** : sure hold on

Yeji quickly spoke up, “Hey guys I’m gonna go get some drinks for later Lia you wanna come with?” Lia smiled at her silently thanking her “sure let’s go.” Yeji left some money and told the girls that they would meet them back at the dorms. 

When they exited the restaurant they put on their masks so no one would recognize them, Yeji saw Lia shiver and fought the urge to hug her tightly so the mean cold weather would leave her baby alone. 

_ I need to stop _

She decided to be more subtle, taking off one of her layers and wrapping it around the younger girl. Lia turned surprised but smiled once realizing what she did, “thanks” “no problem” Yeji smiled back. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the infirmary?” She asked still worried for her love, “yeah I’m ok I’ll take an Advil when we get home” she replied “ok.”

_ Let me take care of you _

**Please don’t worry about me**

**I’ll only disappoint you**

**♥︎**

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
